The Long Haul
Part 1, A Road To Recovery
As I drive down the winding road I reflect. I gather my thoughts and listen to my mind. This is not something I have been able to do in years past.
It seem so long ago, almost a lifetime away yet I know, it’s only been a few short years.
I must remind myself, the life I live now once seemed untouchable. Like a dream lost with each waking moment. I offen closed my eyes and tried imagining what it would be like to be a husband, a father, to have a beautiful house with a nice yard, to have all my finances in order and to be happy with the life I was living.
I felt stuck, repeating the same behaviors over and over I would think to myself, I can’t get ahead. I felt as if the world was holding me down while I was forced to watch life pass by. Something was missing and I couldn’t figure it out.
All my childhood dreams fell to darkness. I was a big fish in a dried up pond. The things I thought I could do, the person I thought I could be were taken hostage and I couldn’t make ransom.
I was desperate, hurting, living an unfulfilled life with no ambition. Little did I know that that desperation and that pain would be the catalyst to my rebirth.
With an empty heart and an ungodly amount of desperation I decided to to take the courts advice and seek help for if I failed one more drug test my 15 year career as a professional driver would be gone.
I could feel my ego fighting as I nervously walked through the counselors door. I can do this I thought to myself. I’ve been here before. I’ll just tell her what she wants to hear. Tell her how I don’t drink much but when I do I make bad decisions and that’s what happened. I was drinking and had a little to much then for some reason I decided to do some crazy drugs. I would continue to tell my story of how I would use once in a great while and my drinking wasn’t anything out of the norm.
As I sat down in the counselors couch something came over me. My ego stepped aside and I admitted I had a problem. I went on to tell about the struggle I was having in life. I had what I thought was a good reason for the way I was living. I was doing what I needed to do to deal with the terrifying event that took place in my life and took my mother’s life. How my emotions were like a fucking roller coaster and I couldn’t deal with the chronic back pain. How I couldn’t sleep without drinking myself to blackout and how I couldn’t function without 6 Vicodin’s or more a day. How I couldn’t relax without using marijuana and so on. With each word of truth I could feel the weight of a thousand worlds lifting off my shoulders.
To be continued